Ring. Ring. Ring.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Boehner: Speaker Boehner. How may I help you?
Schumer: John, this is Chuck, Chuck Shumer.
Boehner: Hi Chuck. What can I do for you in the wee hours of the morning?
Schumer: I have an idea for immigration reform.
Boehner: An idea? Chuck, we’ve been down this road more than a few times.
Schumer: Really, John, this one is a winner.
Boehner: Oh, alright. Out with it.
Schumer: Do you remember those nightmares about immigrant goblins I told you about?
Boehner: I’m all ears, Chuck.
Schumer: Well, last night, before I fell asleep, I thought about what if we could reverse the nightmare.
Boehner: Where is this going?
Schumer: What if we become the spooky guys and not the ones spooked?
Boehner: Huh?
Schumer: What if we become the goblins and we chase immigrants?
Boehner: Chuck, my time is limited. Spit it out.
Schumer: What if we agree on immigration reform now, as is, and then not implement it until after Obama leaves in 2017?
Boehner: An immigration reform lay-away plan?
Schumer: Right.
Boeher: What about the media?
Schumer: We tell the press that we’re passing it now because reform is important to both parties and we want all voters to know that – and we’re delaying it because no one trusts the President.
Boehner: How do you think the president will react?
Schumer: Who cares? He’s a lame duck.
Boehner: Hmmm. Tell me more.
Schumer: We leave reform as it is right now. The border enforcement triggers. No deportation relief. No new path to citizenship. And . . .
Boehner: And? And?
Schumer: Just new roads to permanent residency with tougher requirements. In the meantime, we can tighten measures like e-verify, keep in place our detention bed quota.
Boehner: Some pundits and reporters will say you stuck it to me. You called my bluff and all that type of nonsense.
Shumer: Exactly. They’ll play it like our disagreements are miles apart. It sells papers.
Boehner: Hmmm. This might work. Chuck, I have one burning question.
Schumer: Yes.
Boehner: How does this tie to your nightmares?
Schumer: Oh, oh, oh, I forgot. I call it the Scram ‘N Jam Immigration Reform Package.
Boehner: Scram ‘N Jam?
Schumer: Scram ‘N Jam, get it? This is the equivalent of self-deportation.
Boehner: Ahhh.
Schumer: We scare the heck out of all those illegals. They’ll know, sooner or later, the reform proposal is not in their favor because we keep all the measures we want and keep theirs to a minimum.
Boehner: And for the next three years, we don’t have to deal with immigration reform any longer.
Schumer: Better yet, for the next three years, the illegals will live in fear. With Obama leaving the White House, many will start to feel hopeless and simply leave. Get it? They’ll scram and jam back to their home countries.
Boehner: Self-deportation.
Schumer: Self-deportation.
Boehner: Brilliant, Chuck, brilliant.
Schumer: Scram ‘N Jam, baby, Scram ‘N Jam.
By Carlos Batara, Immigration Law, Policy, And Politics
